Sample Massachusetts Drivers Test

As a transplant from other climes, I have had to learn to endure the other drivers here on the road. Actually, that's not true - I still haven't gotten used to them. I've travelled around the world and so I have seen the driving styles in other cities. In Salt Lake City, I noticed more than a handful of people swinging from the number 1 lane across the 2, 3 and even 4 lanes to make a right hand turn. In Nashville, stop signs didn't carry the weight they do in other places. Providence offers up the bizarre behavior of giving the right of way to oncoming traffic making a left turn in front of you, in spite of the fact that there is a long line of drivers behind you slamming on their brakes. While it may appear that people in other countries have a haphazard approach to driving, they do not use their cell phone/groom themselves/drink/eat/watch tv/beat the kids in the back seat while in motion. I caught a blurb once where German auto designers asked, "cup holders?" It's just counter intuitive. While you will see the Andretti team wearing 7-Eleven racing suits, you don't see an Extreme Mug on the cockpit camera. Anyway, I digress.

I am not saying that every driver here is oblivious, just don't expect eye contact. Seriously. Trying to merge into the next lane? They won't look at you. Not sure if it's your turn to pull into the intersection or not? Don't look to the blank stares for help. Sitting in gridlock on the ONLY freeway tollway that crosses the entire State? Let your kids play the Count the Zombies game, instead of Slug Bug.

There are three types of drivers here: Pokey, Zippy and Apathetic. Pokey, oblivious to speed, rolls along at his own pace. If traffic is flowing at a steady 65, he's comfortable doing 60. There's nothing wrong with that, of course, except he's doing it in the FAST LANE! Zippy, on the other hand, is oblivious to distance. If there is 12 feet between your truck and the car in front of you, he'll zip in and leave you with 2, just to get one whole car length closer to his destination. He's also fond of passing on 2-lane streets during snow storms, heedless of the oncoming snow plow. Apathetic mingles amongst the others mumbling about the crappy drivers, yet does nothing about it, accepting it as gospel or karma. "You screwed up in your past life! Now you have to drive in Massachusetts!" What they all lack is any idea of the concept of 'flow.'

Flow is what Californians have in spades. They have to. An accident here seems to be the only thing these drivers DO look at, creeping by at 2 mph. It seems that it's the only excitement in their lives. Californians? "Screw this, let's do a quick 1-2-1-2-1-2 merge and get on with our lives." Cities here will even re-stripe main thoroughfares from 2 lanes to 1 to screw with the flow even more.

To help those people planning on relocating to this Wicked State prepare for the streets as I have come to know them, I offer up this quiz as insight into the mind of a Massachusetts 'Driver'...

	1. Driving defensively means: Always maintain good vision ahead and around your vehicle. Look around once in while just to make sure you're in the right State. Avoid eye contact with other drivers so you don't offend anybody. "Defensive? Most people tell me my driving is OFFensive..."
	2. The time it takes you to react, think, and apply the brakes is called reaction time. On average, it takes about three-quarters of a second for you to react to a situation and step on the brake pedal. Sometimes, it takes a couple of seconds for you to react to a situation and step on the brake pedal. "You want me to think and drive at the same time?! Don't be a chowda head." Sometimes you look up from what you're doing and see a situation that requires a reaction, put down the Dunkin' Donuts coffee and switch the cell phone to the other ear and then react.
	3. Using your horn and signals tells other drivers your intentions. These should be used: Every time you plan to stop, turn, etc. Sometimes, when traffic is really heavy. Once a year, during the vehicle inspection. As a toy to keep your child entertained while parked in quiet neighborhoods.
	4. The Fundamental Speed Law for motor vehicles is: That you must never travel faster than is reasonable and proper for the current conditions and public safety. If you travel faster than it's safe, eventually you're gonna whack or get whacked. You are usually running late, so every one else should get out of your way so you can drive as fast as you fundamentally need to. "Speed limits are Fundamentally screwed up!"
	5. Regardless of what a posted speed limit sign says, how fast you drive must depend on several factors: Traffic, road conditions, weather, and pedestrians or bicyclists. Cars, potholes, ice and those idiot health freaks out jogging. If your bald tires can keep holding on, and, how much longer those worn out brake pads will last. The number of points left on your license before those idjits at RMV take it away.
	6. This sign means: This is the maximum legal speed under ideal conditions. It's a good target speed, give or take 8 mph. It means nothing to you except you might get stuck behind some moron from out-of-state that still reads these things. The road is smooth enough that you can usually get up to 90 after your favorite watering hole closes.
	7. This sign means: Come to a complete halt. You must stop before any crosswalk or stop line painted on the pavement. Come to a complete stop, yield to pedestrians or other vehicles, and proceed carefully. Stop, then go. It's the other person's turn to stop. Slowing is a Totally Optional Proposition. "If I stop now, I won't make it home in time for the beginning of (insert name of senseless 'reality' show here)"
	8. This light means: Come to a complete stop. Obey the right-of-way laws and proceed when it is safe to do so. Slow down to about 5 mph and then go when it's clear. The intersection ahead is dangerous and the people approaching should look out because you are coming through. "Someone forgot to take down their holiday decorations."
	9. This sign means: Slow down and be prepared to stop. Let traffic, pedestrians, or bicycles pass before you enter the intersection or join another roadway. You must come to a complete stop if traffic conditions require it. Slow down then roll in between the next two cars coming. The next merge is gonna be difficult, but you're an artist at cutting in between other drivers . "I don't have time to look at signs, I'm trying to drive here, damnit!"
	10. This sign means: You should drive in the right lane and only use the left to pass. Cruise in the fast lane and get over if someone comes up behind you. The number 2 lane is for cruising.You get into it and stay there for the next 200 miles, regardless of the other drivers and traffic flowing around you. You're going 'fast enough,' damnit. "It's a trick question - the Highway Dept. took the signs down so slower drivers get in the way of the faster drivers. You can't go a day without getting stuck behind three cars, side by side, all doing the same speed."
	11. You should always stay between the lines marking your lane: Unless you are turning, exiting a highway, or changing lanes. As much of the time as possible, but these roads are so 'bovine'. "What lines?! They haven't striped since the beginning of the Big Dig, way back in '92.." "Lanes are for pussies too! Third world driving is the best."
	12. When changing lanes, you should: (1) look, (2) signal, (3) move. (1) look, (2) move, (3) signal. (1) realize you missed your turn, (2) swerve quickly across the three lanes next to you, (3) avoid eye contact with other drivers and pretend you did nothing wrong (1) look, at anything except the surrounding traffic (2) signal for the three minutes leading up to your turn, (3) slow down almost to a complete stop with the tail end of your vehicle still in traffic, then swing wide to block as many lanes of traffic as possible.
	13. Right-of-Way: Helps drivers to decide how to handle traffic situations that are not determined entirely by signs or signals. These rules are based on safety and courtesy; they do not give you any 'rights.' Remember, the right-of-way is something you give, not take. If another driver fails to follow these rules in a certain situation, you should always give the right-of-way for safety's sake. Never insist on taking the right-of-way. Is a good guide to help with traffic flow. "Implement Right-of-way in New England? That's hilarious! I don't even make eye contact, let alone give the right of way to some chump I can just as easily cut off!" means 'That's Right, you're in my Way, chump!'
	14. This sign means: No Parking. You probably shouldn't park here, but it's hardly ever enforced. No public urinating. "I can park here 'cuz I'm 'Special'. As a matter of fact, a guy once told me they named an Olympics after me..."
	15. This sign means: Do Not Enter. "Huh? Never noticed it." "Now you're screwing with me. That sign isn't even in the Drivers Manual." "Some guy got paid for work that didn't need to be done. Everybody knows you have to go down this street the wrong way to get there."
	16. Rotaries (known as traffic circles in the rest of the civilized world) have their own set of rules: When you approach a rotary, you must yield the right-of-way to any vehicles already in the rotary. Slow down a little and slip in between the cars. "They know me here and stay outta my way." "The guy with the biggest car wins. This SUV costs me $80 to fill up, but hey, I OWN those rotaries!"
	17. Many motor vehicle crashes are caused by improper turns. Which of the following is one of the steps necessary for a proper turn? Complete the turn carefully, making sure you turn into the proper lane. Glance up from the directions every once in a while then swerve quickly because you missed the turn. Blow past the idiots waiting in line and then put your signal on pretending you're from another part of the state (even though the same drivers see you every day). Blow past the idiots waiting in line and then WHIP in front of the lead car (because the same drivers see you every day and KNOW you're an idiot).
	18. What must you do if you see or hear an emergency vehicle coming? Pull as close as possible to the right side of the road and come to a complete stop until the vehicle has passed. Slow down a little and keep to the right. "They can wait in traffic just like everybody else, damnit!" "I can't hear anything when I've got my tunes cranked."
	19. In Boston, this sign means: Parking ahead. Public parking is up on the right. There is a chance there might be a space available on the right. "Bah! There's no parking in Boston, ya idjit."